Well, at the risk of (once again) making myself look like a complete jackass, I have a story, which I think ought to be told, because had it happened to anyone else, I would enjoy reading it. That’s how selfless I am. Really. So if you don’t enjoy it, please don’t tell me. That’s how selfish I am.

Last Friday night, I was out and about. I had gotten a message earlier from a British woman on aSmallWorld who was in Singapore for work who wanted to meet up. Strangers on that site have always received me very hospitably, so I said sure why not. Being a male, I checked her photo. Very soft focus, which I took to be a bad sign, but there are many reasons to hang out with a girl on a Friday night, right?

Anyway, she keeps sending me updates about where she and her colleagues are, and it finally ends up that they’re at Attica, where we were planning on going as well. So I wrote, “How will I know it’s you? Will you be wearing a red carnation?” to which she replied “I’ll be sitting on the couch in VIP wearing Chanel.” So, at this point I know this chick is going to be a fucking trainwreck, but I’m going to the club already. I get there, and as I got to the upstairs section (VIP is a total misnomer) I saw a fairly wretched girl wearing what could possibly be Chanel leaving, and thought that I had dodged a bullet, but no, soon my phone rang. My good buddy BC was completely curious to see how awful this girl was, so I was encouraged to go meet her. Never being one to shun academic research, I agreed.

We went to her table in the back of the club (admittedly it was the best table in the place) and did the introductions. Apparently she was an oil trader in town for a few days. She was reasonably attractive, if not on the soft-focus side of heavy, but she was completely obnoxious, jabbing a Singaporean guy with her stiletto heel (no doubt Manolo’s) within minutes of me sitting down, and when he gave her a dirty look saying something to the effect of “If they think the Triads are tough they should see the Russian Mob.” I have no idea what the fucking point was, so I just gave a meekly apologetic look to the guy and stood up. Fortunately, she and her group were very tired, and excused themselves within a few minutes of our arrival, leaving us the end of their bottle and a sweet table.

Within minutes of us commandeering the table, two women came and sat down next to us. Of course, first thought was “working.” They introduced themselves (well, one in particular, her friend was quiet) and said she was a hairdresser from Bintan who liked to come to Singapore to go out on weekends. Fair enough. She asked me for my number to get in touch when they came in the future. Why not? BC left shortly thereafter, as he was needed back at the ranch (as it were) and I stayed and chatted to this girl about Indonesia and finished my free Belvedere.

After a bit, we each go our separate ways. I got a call from an unknown number Sunday around 11. The conversation went basically like this (it’s transcribed accurately...I have no idea if it’s offensive to represent someone who doesn’t speak very good English as someone who doesn’t speak very good English, but that’s what I’ve done. Apologies if you find that inappropriate): “Hi Chris? It Elly (the girl from Friday, in case you hadn’t figured that out)” “Oh hi, how are you?” “Oh, I in trouble...last night I go out, and I go to the bathroom, but I so drunk I leave my bag” “Oh, that’s terrible” “Yes, and now I want to go home but...” “(Me, catching on, and detachedly amused) Oh, your passport was in the bag?” “No, I leave passport in hotel” “And you still have your phone” “Yes” “Where’s your friend?” “Oh, uh, she go home yesterday” “Oh, that’s too bad.... hmmm, I’m love to help you, but I have a friend in town from Japan and I don’t know when I’ll have any free time. Good luck!”

I have an image of her in an office with a headset on running down her list of numbers from the weekend. The sad thing is, of course, despite the fact that what she’s doing is not really that cool, the fact that this is what she feels is her best option isn’t very cool either. So, while I can be momentarily amused by the ridiculousness of it, I end up feeling bad regardless. Fuck. I hope you at least enjoyed the story.